The night of September 13 started innocently enough: Uber-star Kanye West wanted to stop by the "likka stow" with his ex-stripper girlfriend to fetch a fifth of liquid insanity before watching an obnoxious awards show (Who hasn't done that, right?).
Before settling on the Hen-dogg, Amber and Kanye entertain thoughts of buying Smirnoff and Yagermeister put turn it down (sooo close).
Kanye figured he'd take it to the neck for a sec: The VMAs were set to begin in 30 minutes. What's better than watching a bunch of feeling-theyself celebrities get awards for having their records bought by an unsuspecting public?
"Did the cameras catch that? Lemme do that again to make sure they see that I just don't give a what." Who else want some?
"Aaaah, our first victim!" (Isn't that the dude from Fall Out Boy?) Kanye talks the small talk with him, so drunk now he's intentionally picking metallic fragments of autotune on him, anything to get him to notice the huge bottle of Amber juice in his hand (get it? "Amber" juice?).
"If I drank this stuff, can I get a hug, bro, I mean, from you and Amber?" Mr. Fall Out Boy says.
"You wanna be down? You wanna be cool, you say?"
"Drank, Mofo, Drank, Mofo, Drank!" The sinister couple finds a willing accomplice: Mr. Fall Out Boy takes a spig and is immediately wobbly in the knees.
"That's it, boi, that's it. Now you're cool like us!" Kanye says. "Aint it cool?" ("It's cool, ain't it, baby?" he says to Amber, who nods approvingly.)
"Cool, now who else can we get to engage in this 11th grade display of juvenilia?" he asks.
Meanwhile outside the VMAs, thousands of regular people look on disapprovingly ... well, almost everyone does.
"Oh snap! It's Mr. Jackson!" Kanye says. "Mr. Jackson, I got this here brown liquor and if you take a swig you'll feel 10 feet tall, bra!" (hands it to Joe Jackson).
"Hmm, lemme see (holds the bottle up for 3 seconds). Nah, i already got that," he says. "My record company -- my new record company -- already got one of those, you'll see."
But they soon find another victim: Diddy.
Diddy: "Hmmm, this is good. It's no Ciroc, but it's good."
Kanye later goes up on stage and utters the now immortal phrase: "Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time!" But he did it while Taylor Swift was giving her acceptance speech for winning best female video. At press time, Hennessy had no comment.
